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While
all that is lovely, I either grew up thinking it was normal, or didn’t care. I am on a regular basis defined out of
events or facts that never really affected me all that much. I’m not just “the daughter of the guy with lions”,
“the 2007 national marksmanship champion”, “that one girl who changes her hair every time you turn around”,
or even any combination of those.
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I
am a survivor; I am an over-comer; I am a beloved child of God; I am a lover of God;
I am a warrior; I am Noel!
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At age 12 I
received a word that by the time I turned 15 I would be on the right track again… I laughed because my life was “perfect”.
At 12 I fell in love. At 13 I attempted suicide, started cutting, and got into anorexia; 6 months later I became the youngest
person to ever win the gold and national championship. At 14 I stopped cutting.
Two months before I turned 15 I heard God speak and felt the slightest
bit of His presence for the first time since I could even remember. As I was walking into my room I looked into the mirror
at the stranger my reflection had become, I was held captive by my own eyes as if I’d never seen them before and was
forced to see the coldness of my face and the utter lack of emotion it held. Suddenly I had a thought about turning 15. No
emotion went across my face but I did feel something, a very strong feeling of hopelessness and loss, so I just smirked at
this strange reflection and said to the open air, “Well you’re running out of time here God, only two months left”
and laughed at the thought of being ok, especially within two months.
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That night I experienced God like
I never had before, I talked to God and He talked back, He answered my questions, any questions I had ever asked or thought
of, He comforted me and it was all I could do to just weep and apologize! _____________________________________________________________________
For the next little bit I could feel Him whenever I reached out
and tried, though my trials were still not over and most of the time I was too worn down to even try and get close to God.
I continued on a rollercoaster of faith, a constant fight to stay alive having more downs than ups until this summer when
I went out to Kansas City for a teen camp. I got to camp being absolutely set on resisting anything good for the entire two weeks… that
resistance lasted all of 12 hours. Within the first day I fell in love with God, I fell in love with my roommates, the camp,
the people in it, with the culture that revolved around God 24/7; I fell in love with life. Life started changing for me very
quickly, to the point where I didn’t even know what was changing until I was in a situation where I just reacted differently.
Honestly I still don’t know all the ways I changed in just the first few days at camp when I was so open to God, so
willing to give everything to Him. Within 5 days getting slain in the Spirit by 10 am was normal, seeing people
passed out in the floor here and there was normal, seeing “drunk” people at 9-10 in the morning was something
to smile at [this refers to being "drunk" upon the Holy Spirit, as per: "Don't be drunk with wine, because that will ruin
your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit" (Ephesians 5:18 NLT)], hearing conversations about angels and demons was
normal coffee shop talk.
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Within 5 days I was joining these people in praying
in tongues and prophesying and feeling the Spirit of the Lord every minute of the day. Within 6 days I was having good dreams
for the first time in my life. Within 7 days I was baptized.
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After I got back from camp I continued to grow in my love for
God at the same rate I had at camp. I kept in touch with some fellow campers and we hold each other accountable and share
the great works that God has done for us on nearly a daily basis.
Once the love of God is fully experienced it’s impossible
to go back to anything else. We were created to love and be loved by God and once you get just a touch of that love its all
you want and desire to have more. Every longing, every desire we have about love or belonging we were created to have fulfilled
through Him. The love we desire from our parents, the belonging we desire from a spouse, the comfort from a loyal friend;
all of it is only totally fulfilled through Christ. Once you experience all of those areas of love totally and perfectly fulfilled
its impossible to turn away.
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Once you realize that that love comes from a God who even the
moon and the stars declare as Lord, the Creator of all; you never back down.
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